Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Mobile Mom

March 17, 2017 , , , , ,

mobile-momHer car doubles as an office, reading room, cone of silence, diaper-changing station, breakfast nook and therapist’s office.

She completes twenty errands in a single bound.

Believes everyone has a mini-bar in their console.

On the way to school, she pretends to listen to every word her kids say when she’s really laying on a tropical island drinking a mai tai “in her mind.”

Thinks nothing of stopping in the middle of writing a million-dollar proposal to rush to school to fetch a sick kid.

While barreling down the freeway, she makes a sales pitch into her Bluetooth, eats a hamburger and shushes a noisy kid without skipping a beat.

She says “hurry the fuck up” with her car horn.

She may or may not have used her car as a lethal weapon. (V, you know who you are)

Starbuck’s drive-thru baristas know her by name (within a 30-mile radius).

She blows bad drivers up with her mind powers.

She’s got every local dinner place on speed dial.

Has considered having an affair with Siri.

She’s not afraid to have the A/C cranking with all the windows down.

She has seriously considered painting her car taxi-cab yellow.

Her tires never last for 40,000 miles.

She’s listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for visiting every damn sports field from here to the Mississippi.

She has most of her important conversations via text on the family thread.

Is positive her rearview mirror is possessed

Can’t be certain she did or did not see that do not park here sign.

Never lets the tank fall below a quarter tank…in case she needs to make a get-away

Knows it’s illegal to put kids in the trunk…

Rarely knows whether she’s coming or going.

Her version of goodbye is her super-cape waving out of her sunroof.

 

10-4 good Mama!
Stay sane, my friends.

Allison

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