Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Help, I’m Melting!

July 30, 2015 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I'm Melting

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There is a particular matter that deserves our attention. It’s been overlooked for far to long and it’s high time we do something about it.


I suggest we band together and contact the American Medical Association and Webster’s Dictionary and any other portal of medical wisdom and definitions and have them make an important correction.

For some time now, there has been a misinterpretation of some fundamental facts about an important “milestone” in a woman’s life. (I love how it’s referred to as a “milestone”, as if to be celebrated as an accomplishment). I’ll give you a hint…starts with P, ends with a pause…. has a perky little definition for it:

Perimenopause is the process of change that leads up to menopause. It can start as early as your late 30s or as late as your early 50s. How long perimenopause lasts varies, but it usually lasts from 2 to 8 years. You may have irregular periods or other symptoms during this time.

Anyone catch that? TWO TO EIGHT YEARS…you may have irregular periods or OTHER SYMPTOMS. I don’t know about you, but this is complete and utter bullshit. I am fucking melting from the inside out and at any given moment could wipe out an entire village with my hormonal mind powers and this could last for TWO TO EIGHT FUCKING YEARS????!!!!!! Shoot me now. And, no, I’m NOT celebrating it.

I believe it’s a woman’s right to be better prepared for exactly what’s coming. Mind you, there is the rare middle-aged female who will tell you she’s never had a hot flash or mood swing in her life and menopause came and went and she never ever felt a thing. Well, she’s an alien and fuck her! Here’s the definition I would like to submit as a more up-to-date and accurate replacement:

Perimenopause is the process of change that ultimately leads to menopause by way of alcoholism, pill-popping, divorce, therapy, incarceration, solitary confinement, mid-life crisis or death by beheading. It can start as early as “wait-you’re-not-ready” or as late as “wait-you’re-not-dead-yet.” How long perimenopause lasts varies, but it usually lasts way too fucking long. You may have irregular periods that go dormant for months on end and then sneak up on you and decide to flow like a river during an important business meeting, while you’re wearing white pants. During this time other symptoms may include, but are not limited to night sweats, morning sweats, daytime sweats, mood swings, head-spinning, mind-fucking, less fucking, appetite loss, ability to eat the entire contents of a Trader Joe’s, bloating, cramps like a mother-fucker, crying, sobbing, un-ability to cry due to dryness of the eye sockets, vaginal or anal dryness, brittle hair, hair loss, whiskers, chin hairs, gray hairs, brown spots, restlessness, insomnia, leg cramps, inability to mind-read, memory loss, thoughtlessness, flabbiness, inch-pinch, increased cellulite, varicose veins and the inability to see one’s own reflection without thinking, “who the hell are you?” SIDE NOTE: your doctor will tell you it’s too early and that it isn’t really happening to you yet. 

I submit this as the improved and more accurate and honest definition available for women everywhere to prepare for “the change,” the “celebratory milestone” that is destined to possess your body, I mean magically happen to you on the way to complete infertility and the shriveling up of your lady parts.

Did I leave anything out? Please share with me in the comments below and feel free to pass this along to anyone who needs a heads up that this shit is coming; or anyone who needs a good laugh or a brick to the head that they, in fact, are not crazy. Just perimenopausal!

Stay sane, my friends.

P.S. Invite your friends. It’s a celebration! Get your party dress on and bring a tampon, just in case.

P.S.S. I broke the “fuck” bank on this one, so I cannot share it with my mother. Ever!

Allison DeFord


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