Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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50 Shades of Plaid

February 26, 2015 , , , , , ,


[ WARNING: To my children, my mother or Lori. Please do not read this post. You’ll thank me later. You’ve been warned. ]

Chances are you’ve probably read the book or seen the movie by now. Enjoyed a titillating moment under the covers or in the privacy of your very own movie theater seat, while this lovers fantasy unfolded on the pages or screen before you. And, if you were really lucky, felt the velvety fruit of a rich bordeaux wash over your tongue just in time to wash down the salty buttery popcorn kernel stuck in your throat. Exhale!

Contain your jealousy, but I’ve been fortunate enough to live this life that many have only wet-dreamed of.

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, or a laundry hamper, I’ll taunt you with a few of my favorite passages, with a twist of reality.

Allison and Christian’s hot kitchen makeout session
“Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in his viselike grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his lips … (“Dammit, I think the pasta sauce is burning!”) His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine (“Crap, my breath must smell like iced coffee!”)… My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow, erotic dance … His erection is against my belly.” (then someone yells from the far corners of the house…”I’m pooping and it’s stuck and I may need help wiping!”) 

Allison’s reaction to Christian’s erect penis: ‘Holy Cow!’
“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my flannel pj pants off and throws them on the floor. (OMG, I should have shaved my legs this month) Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How? (7 going on 17 knocking on the door…”Hey, what are you two doing in there?” “Can I come in?” “And the dog just threw up on the new carpet!”)

Christian’s dirty talk makes us turn 50 shades of plaid
“Show me how you pleasure yourself … Keep still … We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby … Let’s see if we can make you cum like this … You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you … (bing, bing, bing) I’m going to fold the laundry now and coach the girls softball practice and wash the car and take out the trash, but when I’m done and the kids are asleep and, even though we’re exhausted and have to get up early, I’ll be … Hard … and ready and we’ll muster the energy to rock this shit!” (7 going on 17 walks up, “Dad, why do you have mom pushed up against the laundry room wall…does she have something stuck in her ear?” “I could help you get it out!”) (15 Going on 30 chimes in from another room, “Oh gross! I thought I told you two to never do any of that while we’re home!”)

Allison climaxes ‘again and again’ … and again
“He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me. My legs begin to stiffen as I … (7 Going on 17 calls out from her room, “I’m thirsty and I forgot to do my homework and my tummy hurts and what is all that noise? Can I come sit with you two?”) (15 Going on 30, “I can hear you two again! Disgusting! Please stop!”)


Move over E.L. James, the real 50 shades is plaid and dry and distracted beyond anyone’s wildest imagination. Real life – it can be a boner killer.

Stay sane, my friends.

Allison DeFord


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