Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Don’t Mind the Russian Mobster, She’s My Mother

February 23, 2015 , , , , , , , ,

My Mother, the Russian MobsterAfter picking up 15 Going on 30 from school this afternoon, we’re driving to the chiropractor and she decides she’s in the mood to talk. OMG, let me turn down the radio…I’m all ears!

She likes a new boy at school…she’s a freshman, he’s a junior. My brow furrows. I then discover that the Russian mob lives inside my head and questions start pouring out of me like the free flowing vodka at a Russian wedding…only, in my head they’re accompanied by a Russian accent:

…sooo, tell me about diz boy!

…vat is his shtory?

…vat shports is he in?

…how uld is he?

…how many ozzer girlfriends has he had exactly?

…vat do hees parents do?

…vere does he leeve?

…vat do you like about heem?

…vy?

…rheally…vy?

…ju shur?

…maybe let’s rhe-conseeder diz!

Leetle does she know, I have connections. I could have him rhun oveer by a local shtreet sveeper or shtrangled in a phrinting preess. My connections…dey are like Soviet spies..dey are everyvhere. If diz buoy so much as touches a hairhe on her hhhead, I vill fuck him up and burhy heem in the yhard next to de leetle hamsther that the dug chewed up.

(OUTSIDE VOICE) Yes, dear. He sounds lovely. Play it cool. Taker your time. You have all the time in the world. Let’s have him over to meet your father. We could have knives, I mean dinner.

Stay sane, my friends. I need some wuodka!!! (infused directly into my arm, like a Russian nuclear war head!)

(I vill not sign dis post, to protect the innocent)

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Hahaha! My little one is only 15 months for now but I’m dreading she’ll be 15 years old! Teenage daughters brings out the protective hit man in all mothers I think..

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The JellyFish

February 24, 2015

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