Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Love, Period.

June 20, 2014 , , , , , , , , ,

Love, Period.When you were around twelve or thirteen (later for some of you lucky bitches), you knew I would start making regular monthly visits. You just didn’t know when those scheduled arrivals would start and how long I’d be staying. I loved all the talk of “blossoming” and “flower” and “the joys of becoming a woman.” What a load of crap!

Then, throughout most of your adult life, you could count on me stopping by like clockwork. Cramping and bloating were usually the first signals to announce my impending visit, joined by my trusted sidekick, Moody. Truth be told, she was the cause of many an argument with you and your mother, not to mention the loss of several boyfriends.

Until the one day I didn’t come. Uh-oh! Yes, I wasn’t just late, I didn’t come at all. For the next nine months you secretly reveled in the fact that I was non-existent. Much to your chagrin, I was replaced by, not only Swing (Moody’s relentless evil twin), but Vomit, Elephantitis, Forgetfulness and Ravenous Hunger. Hee hee, I won! Missed me, didn’t ya?

Well into your forties, I will decide to play a little trick on you. Introduce you to my friend, Peri. She’s the unpredictable first cousin to Meno, the irritating Pause. (Still love how she is referred to as the Change of Life…paints such a rosy picture of such a ruthless bitch.) Peri is my partner in crime. We like to surprise you when you least expect us. We’re also undecided as to how often we’ll stop by and how long we’ll stay. We mock you when you have to bleach your white pants and are secretly regretting not investing in Super tampons years before. Dammit! We’d be rich. Randomly, I’ll decide to extend my pre-visit prep with Mutha, the Queen of all Cramps. Pain in the ass—don’t know why I still hang out with her, but she humors me. If she irritates me too much, I will choose not to visit at all. Big uncomfortable build up and then NADA. Sweet, huh?! “I’ve got the pow-a!”

Now, I can’t promise when I will stop coming by completely. I suspect you won’t miss me. If I had more feelings, that might hurt. Until then, I will decide when to visit, how long I will or will not stay and who I will bring with me. Good luck trying to make my visits more pleasant. Psst! temporary remedies, dear, temporary at best. NOTE TO SPOUSES AND BUSINESS ASSOCIATES: The effects of the happy cream eventually wear off. RUN!

Until we meet again…SUCKA!



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I put myself on BC to predict those little arrivals (among other things) and the one month I missed a few days in a row I decided to wait until the next one shows up before opening up a new pack…so I wait…and wait…and wait…I must admit, I am missing my old friend :/



June 20, 2014

You are the best, Al… keep me laughing!



June 20, 2014

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