Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Masters of Sex

January 20, 2014 , , , , , , , , , , ,

Masters of Sex on ShowtimeIf you haven’t seen it yet, one of the best shows on television is “Masters of Sex”, on Showtime. Each delicious episode is a window into the daring and curious work of Bill Masters and Virginia Johnson, who pioneered research into the nature of human sexual response and the diagnosis and treatment of sexual disorders and dysfunctions from 1957 until the 1990s. (thank you Wikipedia)

It airs every Sunday night and, ideally, this would be a relaxing and fun way to wind down the weekend with my favorite husband. A little couch time peppered with a hint of good old fashioned clean cut suburban eroticism, right?! This would seem like an easy rendevous, yet when you have children, it is not. It has become glaringly apparent that when you have a teenager who doesn’t fall into bed until 10 and a 6 year old who needs a drink or a tissue or another back rub, for, like an hour after you put her into bed, you’re lucky if you get ten minutes of uninterrupted Mike and Molly.

You hear tales of married couples with kids who have sex (gasp) once a month and you think, “Wow, what’s wrong with them. They just don’t dig each other any more. They’re lame!” Recently, it has become obvious to me exactly why this happens.

Kids hear shit!
Kids walk in on shit!
Kids are mood killers for your sexy shit!
Kids question you when you wear sexy shit…(“Mom, why is your butt hanging out?”…”Because I’m trying to be sexy, now get out of my room!”)
Kids gross out at the thought that you even do shit!

I miss the days of Sunday sex. You know, in the afternoon with half your clothes on, in the middle of the living room or down the hallway. I miss naked movie night and just generally having sex whenever the mood strikes you. Now, we find ourselves sexy texting each other at the softball field while our daughters are playing or at Dave and Busters in between the kids running up to ask for another bank roll of cash. Sad!

It is my observation that men don’t get us! They think we don’t think about sex, want to have sex, or we’re having sex with someone else. Let me just say, “Really? Duh!” We’re struggling here! The lack of spontaneity and freedom to be so loud the neighbors can hear me is killing my buzz. Not to mention that the lingerie I bought looked much better on the mannequin at Frederick’s. Skinny, plastic bitch!

I also think it’s harder for women to “turn their shit on”! I once heard it said that women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves…you turn the dial and bing, bing, bing, men are ready to rock and roll…for women, it can take a little longer to heat up. So, when you’re deep in the throws of passion and you hear your kid coughing or talking or crying and scratching at the door… you go from Dita Von Teese to Mommy Von Boring in 5 seconds flat! Boner killer, party of two!

We used to steal away every year for a weeks vacation and some sexy sexy time. The last couple of years have been a little more hectic with travel sports, school and our children’s social schedules. (giant eye roll here) Now, our reality is ten minutes in the bathroom at Motel 6, while the kids are down at the pool or running up and down the hallway with half the softball team. Woo hoo! Slap me and call me Dita!

I have decided that the DeFord’s might have to take over where Masters and Johnson left off…our study will be about the lack of human sexuality between parents and the art of soundproofing your room and/or encouraging your children to move away by the time they are 3.

Stay sane, my friends.
“Brown chicken brown cow!”

allisondeford

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comments

OMG I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. It’s like you read every mom/wife’s mind. Good to know I am not the only one thinking ” Is it just ME”!!!! Love reading your blog. The highlight of my day!!!

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Antonia

January 20, 2014

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