Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Bathroom Discussions

December 9, 2013 , , , , , , , ,

Bathroom ConversationsAt 46, I’ve engaged in all sorts of conversations.

Deep, meaningful, funny, sad. Take my own childhood, for example…
“Is Santa real?”
“Where do babies come from?”
“No, those aren’t my birth control pills; go ask your other daughter!”

and on into motherhood…
“Why wipe; it came out smooth!”
“Can I hang from your boobs?”
“What’s reptile dysfunction?”

One thing has become crystal clear…all important conversations happen in the bathroom. At least at my house, it seems.

Sometimes the conversations are one sided; like when I was young and would sit on the toilet (my mother is putting on her makeup) and I would ask, “Mom, who are you talking to?” Surprised I was sitting there at all, she’d respond, “I don’t know, honey, I guess I was talking to myself.” (Odd, I thought) Fast forward 40 years and those one-sided conversations are still happening…only now I’M MY MOTHER!

This one-sided conversation came in especially handy the first time I ever got drunk in high school…I stumble in around midnight. Mother is make up removing and tweezing and just carrying on with herself in the bathroom mirror. So much so, that she didn’t see me tussle with my pants, nearly fall over or throw the toilet paper BEHIND the toilet. Saved by the one-sided conversation!

I moved away when I was eighteen and whether my mother came to visit me or I her, inevitably we end up talking till 2am, IN THE BATHROOM. We have couches and kitchen chairs to converse upon, but no! Apparently the cool hardness of the side of the tub and/or the toilet lid are a much better choice when engaging in deep meaningful conversation. (These coffeehouses really have it all wrong…they need tubs)

Then there are all the deep and intimate conversations I have with my husband, while he’s sitting on the toilet. He’s stuck, can’t go anywhere and I “have the floor.” (he loves these conversations…as much as being poked in the eye with a pin)

I’ve also realized that now that I have children there is a beacon that goes off whenever I enter the bathroom. I could count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BINGO! a child appears, or the dog. It’s always someone to greet me. As if I needed greeting. I thought I had to poop, but NO! It’s CONVERSATION TIME!┬áMy recent favorite? One I had with my 6-year old. (I’m standing there drying my hair and here comes Ivy…she proceeds to brush her hair and, wait for it….start talking!)

IVY: Hey mom!
ME: Yes, dear?
IVY: What’s a bagina?
ME: Well, first off, it’s a vagina, with a V.
IVY: Oh! Well, do you know what it is?
ME: Yes, dear, it’s your private part, right there. (insert pointing here)
IVY: Oh!
ME: Where did you hear that, honey?
IVY: I don’t know.
ME: Are you sure? Probably shouldn’t discuss vaginas with your friends at school.
IVY: Ok.
ME: It’s not a bad thing or anything dirty. It’s a normal part of a girls body. Just don’t know if there mom or dad has talked with them about this. Ok?!
IVY: Ok….brushing hair…pause, pause, pause…Well, Sidney (her BFF at school) knows about Vaginas! (emphasis on the V)
ME: (Inside my head….ha ha ha, way to throw your friend under the bus!) ha ha ha ha

Other bathroom topics at my house have been, “What’s a dill doe?”, “Why is your stomach fat?”, “I heard you and dad having sex, ew you’re disgusting!” and “Look at my gina, it’s all fired up down there!”

Bathroom discussions….who’d a thunk?!

Stay sane, my friends.



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OMG, I am rolling on the floor Allison! Seriously, this story gets funnier every time I hear it. Dill Doe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Someone come get me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!



December 9, 2013

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