Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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This Teenage Life – #214

November 19, 2013 , , , , , , , , , ,

Teen Speak-Confessions of a Professional MomHello and welcome to this installment of This Teenage Life. I’m your host, Dork E. Motherin. (Thank you so much for the standing ovation, I needed that!) Let’s get right to it, shall we?

This week our topic is Teen Speak!

Join us as we explore the mysterious unspoken language of teenagers; who dwell in our homes, roam our streets and inhabit cyber space. This will also be helpful to those of you who aren’t raising these vexing creatures because they’re all around us-everywhere you go-lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce, ridicule you and sling an eye roll so severe you can feel it slap you on the back of the head like a bull whip. Take caution! Get informed!

Here’s a sampling of what you need to know:

TEEN SPEAK: “Yeah, I’ll take care of that!”
TRANSLATION: “I’ll take care of that when hell freezes over or I’m damn good and ready…and why do I have to do everything!”

TEEN SPEAK: “Guess what happened at school today?”
TRANSLATION: “Just listen. Do not give advice or examples from your childhood.”

TEEN SPEAK: “Yes, my homework is done.”
TRANSLATION: “I just have to do that 12 page report that I’ve been putting off since the beginning of the school year.”

TEEN SPEAK: “Mom, you don’t look fat!”
TRANSLATION: “Oh my God, if I ever look like you I’ll die!”

TEEN SPEAK: “Yeah, I’ll call grandma!”
TRANSLATION: “I’d rather poke my eyes out with a pin!”

TEEN SPEAK: “Love you, too!”
TRANSLATION: “Barely like you and a little more when you give me my way or money!”

TEEN SPEAK: “I am hurrying!”
TRANSLATION: “Shut the hell up and get off my back…you’re always rushing me!”

TEEN SPEAK: “I understand if you have to work and can’t take me to the mall.”
TRANSLATION: “You’re so mean and thoughtless, I wish I had a mom who didn’t work.”

TEEN SPEAK: “Yeah, I’d love to go Christmas shopping for others.”
TRANSLATION: “Others….good one, Mom! Now what can I get?”

TEEN SPEAK: “Yeah, I’ll stay home and babysit my sister.”
TRANSLATION: “Now, where’s that duct tape…and they’d better give me, like, $50 for doing this.”

TEEN SPEAK: “Yes, my room is clean.”
TRANSLATION: “The cock roaches haven’t taken over yet, so calm down already.”

TEEN SPEAK: “Ok, I understand why I have to go to my grandparents 50th Anniversay party instead of spend the night with the girl I just met.”
TRANSLATION: “You’re trying to torture me and won’t let me do anything EVER! Dream crusher!”

TEEN SPEAK: “Yes, I understand why I can’t stay out till midnight when I’m only 13.”
TRANSLATION: “OMG, you’re ruining my life. I hate you, you bitch!”

TEEN SPEAK: “Sure, Mom, I understand why I can’t (fill in the blank here)”
TRANSLATION: “Die in a fire!”

Until next time…I’m Dork E. Motherin signing off. Thanks for joining us!

Stay sane, my friends.


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I know for a fact I accused my parents of wanting me to end up pumping gas at the Mobil station because they tried to explain to me how they couldn’t afford to send me to the uber pricey fancy pants university I wanted to attend.



November 22, 2013

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