Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Channeling My Mother

October 30, 2013 , , , , , , , , , ,

Channeling My MotherIn my forty-sixth year of life it has come to my attention that one must be careful what one “doesn’t” wish for. Like, all the things about my mother that have bugged, irritated or incensed me, over the years and I vowed I would never do, say or be. I’ve compiled a little list, here, for your enjoyment. I swear it’s growing by the day, so this may be post 1 of 1,000. TBD

Things That Bugged Me About My Mother
That I Swore I Would Never Say, Do or Become

1. Laugh until she pee’s in her pants

2. Spank her children

3. Eat sauerkraut and like it

4. Talk to herself in the mirror

5. Talk to herself pretty much all the time

6. Talk to strangers in elevators

7. Feel incomplete with out lipstick or lip gloss of some sort

8. Have boobs that look like deflated balloons with weights in the bottom

9. Don a fat apron covered in stretch marks

10. Sigh because she thinks too much

11. Forget why she came into a room

12. Cry for no apparent reason

13. Sneeze so damn loud it scares the shit out of people

14. Carry too much shit in her purse

15. Snore

16. Hum in public

17. Give random strangers a compliment

18. Be fearful

19. Worry

20. Utter phrases to her children like, “If your friend jumped off a cliff would you?” and “Because I’m your mother!”

21. Be too critical of her children

22. Pinch her children’s bottoms when they are naked (and grown up)

23. Stay up late just to be alone

24. Be uninformed on the latest trend or craze and not care

25. Space on her Tooth Fairy duties

26.  Ask to sleep in on Christmas morning (since she’d stayed up all night wrapping)

27. Threaten her children within an inch of their life if they were rude to the grandparents

28. Shrink her daughters new shirt to the size of Barbie clothes when it specifically said Dry Clean Only

29. Miss a school activity because she had to work

30. Detest dusting

31. Appreciate the good old days

32. Feel disappointed her parents didn’t visit or call more

33. Feel like her mother didn’t really know her

34. Insist on good hygiene

35. Make her children try new food

36. Become immobile and “stuck” sometimes

37. Make assumptions and take things personal

38. Proclaim that cereal is ridiculously expensive and only buy the dry boring unsweetened kind

39. Complain that all she does is pick up after her kids

40. Spank both kids when “who did it” is unclear

….Again, be careful what you don’t wish for.

Stay sane, my friends.

allisondeford

P.S. Thankfully, I also channel many of her wonderful qualities as well. 😉

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