Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Stop Taking Up All the Good Air

June 7, 2013 , , , , , , , , , ,

Kip DynamiteIt has become quite clear that for the next five + years I am going to be about as popular, at my house, as Kip Dynamite.  I cause irritation and disdain simply by breathing. I take up all the good air, especially in the car. I am irritating as fuck because I care. “Dang it!”

For those of you who may not have seen Napoleon Dynamite (wait, I’m shocked) Kipland Ronald Dynamite is Napoleon Dynamite‘s older brother. He has mastered the art of irritation and loser-dom.  It wasn’t my intention to mirror Kip, it just happened when my daughter turned 13.

When it comes to my daughter, she’s like a box of chocolate hormones. You never know what you’re gonna get. The suggestions I make are stupid (she glares at me with disgust). I should just stop talking (she screeches before storming off to her room). I don’t even know why I had her…it’s so much trouble (words put into my mouth). Delightful daily exchanges that leave me perplexed and hailing a cab (not the kind you ride in).

It’s ironic how, once the hormones officially take over, the good-natured sweet angel you gave birth to morphs into someone resembling Sybil. Sadly, 17 of the 18 personalities are bitchy or moody. (Thorazine drip, please!)

Recently, after, what was supposed to have been an uplifting chat with our eldest offspring, my husband exclaimed, “I just can’t get any credit!” I reminded him, “Dear, plan on your account being at a deficit for the next five years or so. We’ve gotta self validate, self help and self soothe if we’re gonna make it through this.” Just in time for the next onslaught, when Ivy hits the big 1-3. Lord help us!

Hats off to you if you’ve already lived through this bliss. As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “Lucky!”

From the great Ozzy Osbourne, “We’re goin’ off the rails on a crazy train!” Please fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Stay sane, my friends.



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