Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Living at the Speed of Ivy

May 16, 2012 , , , , , ,

Living at the Speed of IvyDo you ever get frustrated when getting out the door is like “herding cats” and you’re exhausted by the time you get where you’re going? Why don’t kids come with an overdrive switch you can push when you need them to “move it”! I’ve been observing my family and I have a theory.

It has come to my attention that my household runs on Ivy time. The youngest child seems to dictate the speed at which we move.

Ivy is our nearly 5-year old daughter who, like most children her age, can be as slow as a seven year itch. Distracted by wind, she tends to dictate the speed at which we leave in the morning, the speed at which we depart a store or parking lot, the speed (or lack thereof) that cuts into my couch-time with hubby every night because she’s channeling Esther Williams in the bathtub or contracts insomnia suddently.

Just this morning, I’m dropping her off at school. I park. I get out of the car and open her door. She’s pretending to sleep. Then giggles. Then slowly removes her seat belt. Then gets distracted with her lunch box. Then just when I think we’re making progress, she gets distracted by some crap she put in the rear seat pocket some eight months ago. This is not a child with ADD. This is just a child. Seriously. She can sit through entire movies, stay focused when we read 18 books every night and more.

I’ve just realized that kids have no clue when it comes to being speedy. When I say “pretend there’s a fire” they look at me like, uh, ok. (They’ve never been through a fire, so they are not registering what I’m saying, I guess.) Like the time my oldest was about 2 and she was talking my ear off in the car. I held up my hand and said, “talk to the hand, honey.” She paused and thought and continued, “Well, hand, blah blah blah blah blah…..!” Not kidding!

Why don’t I learn?

I know this will get better. My 12 year old is interested in getting places on time and understands when I say hurry, you’d better jump or I will spontaneously combust all over your ass. (sort of kidding)

In the meantime, I’m trying to be less frustrated with living on Ivy time. 

“Oh look, a squirrel!”

“Hey, it’s a moldy thing in my car seat!”

“Momma, why are you all red and talking to yourself?”

Stay sane, my friends.


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I have a 6 year old Ivy, and she is ALWAYS in slow motion. I am constantly trying to get her to pick up the pace. Walking down the hall behind her is a test of patience 🙂 and good luck getting her in the truck in a rush.



May 16, 2012

That’s awesome! Thank you so much for sharing. Good luck to you as well. Will we make it?


Allison DeFord

May 16, 2012

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