Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Go Directly to the Funny Farm, Don’t Pass Go, Don’t Collect $200

March 26, 2012 , , , , , ,

Between my pre-teen and my preschooler, there are times that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Sane or crazy. A parent or a warden. A mother or a maid.

I’m not sure, but I think maybe, just maybe, that if I didn’t blog about all this craziness and consume ridiculous amounts of wine, I may just go directly to the funny farm. Oh, and let’s not forget the Prosac for heaven’s sake.

The morning is off to a fetching start: firstly, it takes an act of God to awaken both of my children. Sadly, they are night owls like me. (curse) Even though they go to bed between 8:00-9:00 it is still a challenge most mornings. I am usually asked if I washed a particular something. Since I didn’t HAPPEN to see it laying in front of the washer and HAPPEN to read anyone’s mind (note to self to learn this skill) the fragrant gym clothes will require a dryer fluff and go. SORRY! (insert pre-teen complaining here)

Next, my little one wants help picking out what she’s going to wear. Right! Sadly, I have fallen for this way too many times. She doesn’t really want my help, as she does not like anything that I pick out. SO…I tell her she’s on her own. It’s all her decision. (insert preschooler complaining here) …see a trend yet?

Meanwhile I’m trying to shower quickly after fitting in a little yoga and journaling earlier. (damn it, my zen is already jacked up–short lived) The next 30 minutes goes something like this: in varying stages of nakedness and wet hair and one side of eyelashes mascara’d…I manage to convince the little one to wear the fifth outfit she tries on after reminding her that shorts and flip flops are not appropriate when it’s wet and rainy out; make sure they eat some breakfast; stop several bouts of crying because the waffles are soggy and not cut up and there’s no apple juice; put out two fights (no blood was shed); breathe; bark out orders for lunches to be put in the pails that seemingly no one can find; make sure the dog has fresh water and gets a hug and kiss; grab a coat; fix a ponytail since the first two I did were apparently too high or too low; breathe; remind everyone to calm down and speak kindly to one another (cussing under my breath); sign a permission slip and we’re out the door.

Drop them at school. Get in my car….Shit, I’m already exhausted. Now I have to go be creative and the master of my professional universe.

Do you think the Funny Farm will send a free shuttle?

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comments

If you find one, maybe we could carpool?

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maryct70

March 26, 2012

Keep writing!!! You are hilarious!!! I see a new career around the corner. Think I still might know some publishers in nyc.

See you soon. mk

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mary king

March 26, 2012

You are so kind mk! Thank you. It’s been a joy and a therapy to blog. A book is definitely in the works.

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Allison DeFord

March 27, 2012

Thank you! I don’t feel so alone…I especially can relate to the high and low pony tail frustrations and trying to maintain a kind and compassionate blissful heart.. UGH! Thanks for making me laugh!

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Wendy

March 26, 2012

If I didn’t know better, I would think you had cameras trained on every room of my home. Can we at least reserve adjoining rooms at the funny farm? I know it will at least make the experience more enjoyable for me…

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mussart

March 28, 2012

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