Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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Achoo! Shit, I peed.

November 16, 2011 , , ,

Achoo! Shit, I peed.

Achoo! Snort! Sniff! Achy! Fever! No matter! Get your ass out of bed and get those kids ready for school and start going over that presentation in your head.

Don’t you miss the old days when you could ACTUALLY BE SICK?!

Boy, I sure do. Life before kids—when you could actually roll over, realize you feel like crap, turn the alarm off, call in to work and go back to sleep. Just thinking about it makes me smile and feel warm all over.

Things have changed a little since then, huh?! Now, it’s “suck it up and get moving.” You have no time to be sick. You’ve got to get those kids up, throw some cereal in front of them, scream at them to put their clothes on (that THEY CHOSE the night before), scritch the dog, hop in the shower, pray to God that it would start snowing uncontrollably outside causing a “snow day” and allow you to stay under the soothing hot water a little longer (except for the fact that it never snows in Southern California), grab lunches and back packs and drive like a maniac to get them to school on time (since you pushed snooze 32 times and got up late), kiss them on the head, deposit them at school, pick up your Starbucks or hot beverage of choice and jump on the freeway for your commute in to the office. Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think they should have prep kits when your thinking of having kids. Like, questionnaires to fill out, so you can pay more attention to the things you’re going to give up. Like QUIET, WIPING ONLY YOUR OWN BUTT, LISTENING TO THE MUSIC YOU LIKE IN THE CAR and the biggy, BEING SICK WHEN YOU’RE SICK. Oh, and a clean house. Let’s not forget that. Really considering some of these things more seriously, ahead of time, could save many women from years of irritation and frustration. Sadly, I guess most of us would still have gone through with it. Having the kids, that is. I just wish you could have both. The uber cool fruit of your loins AND the benefit of being able to BE SICK when you’re sick.

Thank God I have a helpful mate at home and employees at work to pick up some slack when I’m wallowing in my super cape freezing and sneezing. I have to remind myself, I could be living in a country where they cut out my happy button before I’m 12, sell me on the black market for money, prostitute me to support the family or force me to wear a burka. Let’s just say, I would already have been stoned to death in any one of those countries. I’m lucky. I know I am. It’s just that sometimes you need to complain for a sec and cry like a little kitty. Mew! Mew!

Sometimes I think it would be cool to be sick for a whole week and be in a hotel. Someone could bring me soup and tea. Change my bedding while I’m peering out the window at the surf. Watch whatever I want on TV. Not have the volume turned up to 57. (Love you, hon) And lay there in complete silence only listening to my own thoughts and snot. Wouldn’t that be grand!

P.S. you know what I’m talking about with the pee, right?! Sucks!

Stay sane, my friends.


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