Confessions of a Professional Mom

Confessions of a Professional Mom

Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.

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“Pooping Solo”

August 2, 2011 , ,

Do you miss going to the bathroom and taking your time, maybe check out your hair, wash your hands, have a thought? Do you miss pooping ALONE? I do! I miss this little slice of alone time that, apparently, I used to take for granted.

Before I had kids I don’t think I really appreciated going to the bathroom ALONE. It was a routine thing I did every day and I never really gave it much thought. What’s that saying….”you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” Yeah, that’s how I feel about going to the bathroom now. I’d just like to poop solo, you know?!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve become a professional commode multi-tasker. Especially when the kids were babies. Why, I could breast feed, take a leak and compose a cover letter in my mind simultaneously. It wasn’t ideal, but it’s what it took back then to get through the day. Juggling baby, business and nature’s callings.

I guess I thought this would change as my kids aged, but I’m here to report, it hasn’t. I don’t know if you’ve had success with locking the door, but I’ve tried that and couldn’t deal with the scratching and clawing and whining that happened on the other side. It was both gut-wrenching and completely irritating all at the same time. Sadly, my bathroom door has a little glitch and doesn’t close all the way, so they find a way to get in.

A typical morning includes me sitting on the toilet, while holding a groggy pre-schooler on one knee and petting the dog, whose standing up leaning on the other knee. (He’s a small dog) What does your morning circus look like? Any juggling or fire breathing. I think I’ve actually breathed fire once or twice, come to think of it.

Now, it is handy having kids when you run out of toilet paper. When they’re little they think it’s fun to fetch a new roll for you. As they get closer to teen-dom it’s a complete and utter interruption of whatever “SpongeBob” rerun they were watching while texting their friends.

Does this bathroom invasion happen to dads? I really don’t think so. At least, not as much. I’m envious of my husband’s super long uninterrupted bathroom time. He’s so lucky! It’s like “they know” NOT to interrupt him. Maybe I need to smell worse. I don’t know.

It may be my own fault. When my husband and I were first married, he’d be going “Number 2” and I would plop down on the floor and sit in the doorway and talk his ear off. He’d say, “Um, hon, I’m pooping.” I’d respond, “Yeah, but don’t you want to talk about your day?” See, I started all this with my lack of personal space bathroom activities. I was once my kids. Ok, but I never sat on his lap. (Well, wait, no that’s another book)

I guess I’ve decided to lock the door when I can. Teach them about personal space. Put the dog out before even considering going to the bathroom. And highly enjoying pooping at work, where I can sit all damn day if I choose. Alone. Uninterrupted. Reading or having thoughts, for God’s sake. Do you think this will be one of the things we’ll miss when the kids are grown? I’m gonna go with NO!

Stay sane, my friends.

allison deford




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