Professional mom seeking clarity, balance and a well deserved glass of wine.
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Over the course of many years and hundred of visits to my “hair whisperer” I’ve ended up with an array of colors in my hair. It’s become my “norm” and it never ceases to surprise and amaze me when, daily, I get comments and compliments from all ages and walks of life. One particular admirer is the office manager at my chiropractor’s office. For over a year she commented on and admired my mop and finally went and had hers done. It looked amazing! A few magenta streaks mixed with the blonde with undertones of dark burgundy truly complimented her natural skin tone and she looked fantastic. After a recent adjustment, I glanced up and noticed that she changed her hair back to straight blonde. “Hey, I said, you changed your hair back…I thought you loved your new do?!” Her reply shocked the shit out of me:
Wait, what???? I replied, “But, it’s your hair!” She shrugged sheepishly and that was that.
I couldn’t stop thinking about this exchange. Why on earth would her husband care how she wears her own hair?! What else does she do just because it makes HIM happy? What about HER happiness? What about what SHE wants? Why did she cave?
I had to ponder this further…
Is this something I do? I suppose there are some things I do because I know it makes Mr. Confessions happy, like making the bed. I have learned, however, that it is imperative that I am confident and comfortable doing what makes me happy, for me! My happiness matters. My opinion matters. My ideas matter. And, in return, I honor and respect my mates happiness, opinions, ideas and hair choices.
WHY? Who does this really benefit? Is her husband really more comfortable or happier if she’s a straight blonde? It’s not like she tattooed spots all over her face. Sure, Mr. Confessions might be less than thrilled if I shaved my head or decided to pierce my eyebrow, but at least I’m confident that he would respect me and support me because it’s something I wanted to do. He would be ok with my decision because it makes ME happy and it’s my body.
Back in high school I witnessed girls submit to their boyfriends demands—to wear certain clothes, do their hair a certain way and talk (or don’t talk to) certain people—all in the name of said boyfriends happiness. Now, thirty years post high school (yes, thirty, for real) I thought such behavior was ancient history. Now, being privy to As the Teenagers Turn I can sadly say, it is not. How is it remotely possible for a teenage girl, in this day and age, to put her boyfriends happiness before her own? Restricting her own choices and behaviors while negating her own happiness. Aren’t we way past this crap?
All in the name of LOVE?
Since when is love about rules, restrictions, limitations and guilt? I call bullshit! Love isn’t about changing the person you’re with, it’s accepting them AS IS. Lord knows, I’ve learned this the hard way. Mr. Confessions and I have been together so long I think we finally met in the middle and it’s a beautiful place to be. I know many women my age and older have been mislead and sold a bill of goods in the love department—self love included. They stay in less than desirable relationships because it’s better than being alone. They were raised to believe anything is better than being alone. That you are complete once you land a mate. And, as far as self love is concerned, that can be construed as selfish and egotistical, if you even make it past judgement and self-loathing. That love is found on the outside instead of within.
But what really blows my mind is watching teenage girls in 2016 still settling for a love substitute. Succumbing to restrictive and ridiculous directives and pressures placed on them by pimple-faced, immature, wannabe men. Where do these boys get off? Who is teaching them this crap? I know media, music and movies play a huge part, but I have to believe that there is a lack of good role models at home for young men who behave this way. This belief is reinforced over and over with cases like Stanford.
Let’s get all crazy and set the example for young girls! Show them what love really looks like. Teach them to love themselves fully and completely without judgement or the need to be controlled and “loved” by another to feel complete. Encourage all women, young and old, to make choices because it makes THEM happy, not someone else. That choosing YOU isn’t selfish. That confidence is the new sexy and that love means acceptance and support of yourself or someone you choose to share any part of your life with. That if you want to put five different colors in your hair, then DO IT.
What’s your take? Do you find yourself regularly doing things that make your husband/mate happy that aren’t really serving you? Are you with me on the teenage girls could use a love reboot? Love to know your thoughts.
With love, my friends!
Is there a difference between being nude and being naked? If so, do you think one is more acceptable than the other? I’ve spent some vacation time on a nude beach or two and, there, nude is beautiful and perfectly acceptable. Zero judgement. Freedom. Respect. Unless, of course, you run into your boss or someone from your church!
What’s ironic is how the state of naked (or nude) changes over the course of your life.
When babies are naked it’s considered adorable and acceptable – all chunky thighs and soft flawless skin and zero inhibition.
Being naked is still cute when we’re young children until we reach the age of seven and it’s, “Hey, don’t look, I’m naked!” (except for those exceptionally hot summer days when you just have to streak through the sprinkler in the front yard to stay cool)
And, during puberty there aren’t too many people who love the ever-changing hormonal skin they’re in ie: changing in the bathroom stall after gym class. (Maybe that’s just girls?!)
Apparently, teenagers today don’t mind being naked ie: ass cheeks hanging out of shorts and bikinis, sexy selfies and nudes being texted back and forth with complete disregard for future reprocussions.
During college? One word…TOGA!
Early adult years can go one of two ways: short stints of “naked when necessary” or the polar opposite—sleep naked, sunbathe naked, naked vacation and naked movie night. (Ahhh, life before kids)
The 30’s hit and you’re rocking that naked shit. Still single and 30 and this phrase might ring a bell, “Dude, where are my pants and who are you?”
It’s during your 40’s that your naked shit gets real. People warn you that your body will change as you get older, but someone should seriously paint a clearer picture to prepare you. This is the decade where you look in the mirror and staring back at you is your mother (or father, if you’re a dude)! Yikes! WTH
In your 50’s you may resort to getting your naked self tucked and sucked to keep up with societies distorted view of what we “should” look like naked and that’s a personal choice. But don’t get carried away and go all “Joan Rivers” on us!
Past 60, naked gets tricky. I accidentally saw my great grandma naked once and, let’s just say, I’m now blind in one eye! Unless you’re Christy Brinkley, you might want to keep your naked ass covered up. These are also the years when you’ll look back at your 40-year old naked self and sigh, “damn I looked good!”
When you’re 70-plus, I call for a free-for-all. Do what the hell you want, when you want and with reckless abandon—and do it in the nude. Call your friends up and have a senior moment, I mean Toga party! Why not?!
As I navigate my United States of Naked, I’m trying like hell to be good with the naked woman staring back at me. This is the only body I’m ever going to have. I might as well love the skin I’m in—no matter what state it’s in.
Celebrate your naked self! And, if you’re over 40, parade around naked and scare the shit out of your kids…just for fun.
Get naked and stay sane, my friends.
Listening Juice Wine Day!
We all know it takes 21 days to create a habit—good or bad. I’ve read recent research that suggest it’s more like 60-90 days, but who’s counting. No doubt, you were raised by a caring mother who felt it was her duty to help you overcome bad habits ie: biting your nails, leaving dirty laundry on the floor, picking your nose and eating your boogers, hitting your sister or drinking out of the milk carton. All bad habits that, more than likely, would contribute to you living at home for the rest of your life—friendless and single. Mom had the right idea—nag those bad habits right out of you and turn you into a productive, less gross human.
As an adult, it’s likely that you are grateful to dear old mom for her guidance and
bitching wisdom. It is also likely that, since childhood, you’ve adopted some new habits that she would consider less than desirable—evening closet wine, dropping the f-bomb, smoking or tattoos as a form of self-expression.
Why do you think we place so much emphasis on overcoming bad habits? What about all the good habits you’ve discovered and adopted along the way—like eating organic, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and looking both ways before you cross the road. Is it more productive to focus on overcoming bad habits or creating new ones?
Personally, I’m always looking for new ways to improve my health, my family and my quality of life. I’ve done a crap-ton of research and played the guinea pig to discover what works for me and what doesn’t. Here are 10 Good Habits you can create that don’t suck (and, BONUS, mom would approve):
If you would, please share one good habit that’s making a big difference in your life? Know someone who needs a boost or is looking to create one good habit? Consider sharing this with them. One good habit can change your life forever!
Stay sane, my friends.
You know the things in life that don’t always work out for you—dream job, huge client, relationship, pregnancy, trip, health scare, parents outliving you. How much time did you spend asking, “what if?” Would your life be better if only…you had been awarded that perfect job or landed that big account, married that awesome guy or given birth to that sweet baby? Or, did those things happen for a reason—to bring you to this point, this life, these friends, this mate and these children, this person that you are today? Would your life be better if only…
During my meditation today, this was the focal point. How much time do we spend pondering on or laboring over the what if’s? How is that serving us? Does it change anything?
The answer is a big fat NO.
I’ve lived through many moments of disappointment. Had experiences that were certainly not what I’d hoped for or planned. I spent loads of time lamenting over the what if’s. Expended exorbitant amounts of energy asking why this or that happened. My parents divorced when I was thirteen, shortly after my dad sat me down to tell me he was gay, he died of AIDS when I was 20 and I lost my first baby at 31. None of these were planned or hoped for. So, why did they all happen?
What if my parents were still married? What if my dad was still alive? What if I had that first baby? I’d most certainly be living a different life. I wouldn’t have met my husband in high school and been married for almost three decades, moved to California, had 16 Going on 26 and my dad would be a married gay man living a lie on the verge of suicide. Better? I think not.
Now, at the age of 48, I can look back on every single life experience and know with my whole heart that everything happened for a reason. Every event, good or bad, brought me to this day. This life. This place in time. I am so grateful for every moment and the less time I spend asking what if the more energy I have to be present and grateful for the journey that brought me HERE. Today is creating the future.
Do you spend time asking what if? Is it helping or hurting you? Would your life be better if only…
Stay sane, my friends.
Sure, most of us have done it! Been so caught up in our own thoughts while driving that we were on auto pilot. And, probably should have been pulled over for being under the influence (of all the voices in our heads). You know, like when you don’t even remember how you got somewhere because you weren’t paying any attention…while driving a 7,000 pound vehicle at 75 mph. Lately, I’ve been driving while under the influence and I feel amazing!
Now, this may not be for everyone. Heck, it may not even be a good idea. But, on a quest to fit it all in every day, I tried something different. I’ve been driving while under the influence of Oprah and Deepak. Seriously, driving while meditating.
Whether or not you like Oprah or Deepak is irrelevant. It’s the meditating part that’s the gem here. You’re probably wondering how on earth I drive with my eyes closed while humming ohm. Obviously, I’m crazy! Let me explain.
I’ve had the desire to take up meditating for a number of years. It’s always been small, short, half-assed attempts that never really lead to any lasting results. Picture lots of Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love moments—sitting quietly, with my legs crossed and my fingers cupped into some sort of meaningful position, painfully attempting to stop thinking and just be. Not easy!
Then, last year, I stumbled upon and devoured the book 10% Happier by Dan Harris (of ABC News). His very public breakdown on national TV was something I vaguely remembered hearing about, but I hadn’t heard his side of the story. His accounts of struggling with life choices and stress and the desire to success took him down a dark path and finally, he imploded. Meditation ended up playing a pivotal role in helping Dan find, not only himself, but lasting inner peace and happiness. His book moved me and I haven’t given up on this meditation thing since. I wanted what he, apparently, found.
You know how things show up when you need them the most?! Teachers, friends, books, songs, etc. Somehow, my a-ha moment came in the form of Oprah and Deepak Chopra. I purchased their 21 Days to Manifesting True Success and haven’t looked back. Now, why practice this while driving?
As a professional mom with two kids, a husband, a business and, well, life happening it’s always challenging to find a quiet spot for 15 or 20 minutes to ohm it. So, instead of making excuses or abandoning my purchase of zen, I started listening to these meditations each day on my drive into work. I don’t know if it’s considered real meditation when you don’t actually close your eyes and are operating a motor vehicle, but I’m doing it and it’s working!
I believe I was telling myself a story about meditation. How you should meditate for it to count i.e.where, why and for how long. I’ve since concluded that it can be done in any number of ways. It’s all about your intention. My intention was to quiet my mind and look within myself—turn off all the voices and stories and thoughts and just be. I think I’ve been seeking freedom—from myself. I just needed to find the way to meditate that works for me. Someone leading me through the meditation, giving me a mantra and a centering thought have made all the difference. And, don’t get me started on the power of breathing!
I realized, I CAN meditate. I am not meditation-challenged, as I was starting to believe. I look forward to it and it’s having a huge impact on my life. I feel more centered, calm, peaceful and my ability to transcend negative situations is steadily improving. Let’s just say, my reaction time is much quicker. And, who doesn’t want to move on and get back to the good stuff?! Get back to happy!
If you desire to be 10% Happier, I highly recommend Dan’s book. He’s honest, funny and refreshing. And, even thought this is not a paid endorsement, I recommend any of the meditations from Oprah and the big D. Truly transformational, as advertised!
Love to hear what your experience has been with meditation. Here’s to ohm-ing it!
Stay sane, my friends.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
When You’re Gone Will Anyone Remember
Recently, while Mr. Confessions was away for the weekend, I thought about what to-do’s are important to him that I could care less about and vice versa. Like making the bed, for example. It really bothers him to climb into an unmade bed at night. Granted, it’s nice when it’s made, but for me not absolutely necessary. Needless to say, while he was gone, I never made the bed once.
I started thinking about this idea of daily to-do’s and life experiences and the subjective level of importance we place on them. What activities, actions or rituals define you? Is the level of importance you place on them actually a learned response, instilled by your parents, or are your preferences ultimately just a part of your DNA? “It’s just who you are, what you like, what makes you feel comfortable.” Where does this shit come from and should I start a therapy fund for my kids now?!
I can say without a doubt that many of my
quirks preferences can be traced back to my parents. My aversion to dusting, compulsion to maintain good hygiene, need to have a nice lawn and relaxed position on having more than one junk drawer are straight up Becky and Phil. I liken the emotional fulfillment I get from each to internal approval. But, where do the other preferences, tendencies and pressures come from? Lessons from life or self imposed? And, what is it that you ultimately want to be remembered for? What you did or how you made people feel?
Maybe you can relax a bit and give yourself a break because when you’re gone, will anyone remember:
…how messy your purse was
…how often you made your bed
…how much money you made
…how many times a week you worked out
…how much you weighed
…how short or tall you were
…whether or not you were a good dancer
…whether or not you filled the dishwasher efficiently
…that you forgot to send a thank you note for that one gift
…that you weren’t a perfect mother, wife, sister or daughter
…whether or not your sock drawer was organized
…how fast you could run a mile
…how many times you let your kids eat cereal for dinner
…how many times you let your kids eat dessert instead of dinner
…how many times you lost your cool with your kids
…how many times you were late
…that you didn’t always remember to say please and thank you
…that occasionally, you only pretended to hear what your kids were saying at the end of a long day
…that you secretly detested the Easy Bake Oven cakes
…that time you went to a meeting with baby poop under your fingernails
…that you had more than one junk drawer
…that you stole those sunglasses when you were 12 (oops!)
…that you didn’t always remember to wash off your make up before bed
…that you beat yourself up inside every time you let someone down
…that you questioned your existence more than once
…that you felt like giving up a thousand times
…that you didn’t really want to be a stay-at-home mom
…your house was a mess that time friends dropped by
…you had to ask for help, more than once
…you felt like an idiot when you had to learn that lesson the hard way
…you wore an outfit straight out of the hamper (except for the underwear)
…that your super cape felt so heavy at times you felt completely immobile
…that you knew the hokey pokey wasn’t what it’s all about
I believe that once you’re gone, people will remember all the good stuff. The important stuff!
Relax. Lighten up. Try not to get hung up on the small stuff. Remember, people will ultimately remember how you made them feel. xo
Stay sane, my friends.
Have you ever stopped to think about how many appointments we have to make and keep in our lifetimes. Mind you, add kids into the mix and you practically have to become a human day planner just to keep up. Do appointments stress you out, like they do me? (more…)
What started in 1998 as an email sent out weekly to 38 addresses has since blossomed into today’s daily Notes from the Universe, sent to over 700,000 subscribers in 185 countries! Brief passages written by “The Universe,” personalized with your name (and occasionally your personal goals and dreams), are designed to remind you that you have, indeed, been given dominion over all things.
Fortunately, I signed up a couple of years ago and every morning since I receive a beautiful little reminder email that life is what you make it and that happiness and success aren’t coming…they’re already here. You can sign yourself up here.
Today’s note inspired this post. How many people do you know who are waiting for something to happen. Waiting for their life to take off or for that new job to present itself or for that muffin top to magically disappear or for your marriage to fix itself?! Maybe this is you? Over the last forty-eight years, I have been guilty of being stuck in the waiting room!
I catch myself slipping into fear mode and when I do, turning immediately to the old standby that is a neural pathway grooved deep into my brain — If this…then:
If this would happen, then….
my life would be better
I’d feel happier
I’d look better
I’d have more free time
my kids would be happier
I’d be a better mom
I’d be forgiven
I’d be successful
I’d be worthy
Personal Waiting Room
You’ve experienced the vibe of a waiting room —nerves on overdrive, pacing the floor, fidgety hands and one of two outcomes await you — the sheer dread that someone will walk through that door and deliver the bad news OR the anticipation of a precious new life or a surgery done right. I believe it’s ultimately the waiting that’s the hardest part. (thank you Tom Petty) That state of not knowing and feeling immobile until you hear the outcome. Waiting causes paralysis. You literally feel stuck, unable to move, frozen in time. And once you know, suddenly you have choices — to fall into a mire of sadness and depression or rise up and know that the rest of your life will be the best of your life, no matter what.
I’ve experienced both waiting room scenarios and, of course, I prefer the good news. Who wouldn’t?! From time to time I believe we put ourselves in, what I call, a personal waiting room where we wait for an outcome rather than create it. We think some source outside ourselves will bring the good news, the change, the successful outcome and that will decide the rest of our week or month or life.
One Think I Know
As Oprah would say, “One thing I know is this—no one person or thing or event is coming to decide your fate, so stop waiting and start deciding.” Stop counting on your husband to make a move for sex or ask you out on a date night—you initiate it and make each others day or plan the date and then make his night afterward. Stop waiting for that client to call you with a new account or project—pick up the phone and serve them; have a conversation that they’ll never forget. Stop waiting for the time to plan a GNO—put it on the calendar and just do it; guilt-free. Stop waiting for the time to exercise or eat right—just start putting good food in your mouth and walk around the block every night.
The point is this, happiness and success are already inside us. Right now, this very minute. You are good enough just the way you are. You are successful. You are a good mom. You are a super wife. And, hey, if the scenario is less than desirable, change it. If you want more romance, create it. If you want more money, create it. If you want more you time, create it. Want more adventure? Create it! (check out Time Warrior and Wealth Warrior, by Steve Chandler)
Energy Flows Where the Mind Goes
I hear this over and over again in meditations and yoga classes. It took me years to understand and fully believe it. This is powerful stuff! And, it’s true. When I’m constantly wishing I had more time and wishing I had more money or success or less laundry or less chetch on my thighs guess what happens? None of those things. Because I’m wishing instead of doing anything to create a difference. Here’s what I do instead and it actually works!
Step out of the waiting room. Life is happening.
Stay sane, my friends.
It was my bible for the entire 9 months. I had to check in daily to be sure I was on track. This vault of wisdom answered most all my questions and eased my mind whenever I felt unsure about what the hell was happening to my body. It was comforting insight into what was coming and provided much needed reassurance like, “you’re not the only one whose feet look like the elephant woman” and “your vagina WILL look normal again—someday”.
The book they should have written has a slightly different twist. It could become Volume T and the title would be aptly named, What to Expect When You’re Expecting…a Teenager. This preparatory guide should be distributed to parents who are expecting a baby–who will grow into a teenager and test you to the brink of insanity. This book will help you emotionally and financially navigate the waters of teen-dom and help you come out smelling like a rose.
MILESTONE: Your Baby Turns 13
Woo hoo! super fun party time. Gosh, they’re growing up fast. DOUBLE DIGITS! Can you believe they start high school next year?!
MILESTONE: The Day After Your Baby Turns 13
Your teenagers head will spin around from time to time with disgust and outrage. Hello hormones! Goodbye sweet innocent child. Batten down the hatches. This is going to be a rocky ride.
MILESTONE: Hello 14!
You made it through the first teenage year without losing your marbles and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. You sweet naive parent, you! (evil laughter here……..and, still laughing) Freshman year will be a big transition from the lovely little fish bowl that was Jr. High. Prepare yourself for that high volume of texts each day about how high school is a bad bad place — about the couple who was having sex under the stairwell and the dude in Bio who offered your sweet angel a joint. You’re now questioning your glee at the triumph that was potty training and the first day of kindergarten.
MILESTONE: 15 Going on 30
Congratulations, you made it to Sophomore year. You’re a rock star and you still have all your hair. Your child now has all the hair (if they’re male) and the need to remove said hair (if they are female…ie: waxing, shaving, plucking, threading, trimming, etc.) Cha-ching! Take out a loan for all the upcoming sports accoutrement, uniforms, cleats, shoes, special dresses, special underwear, special jewelry, special backpacks…everything is just so special—and expensive! And, let’s not forget, tampons, pads, shave gel, razors, special hair elixir, cologne, deodorant, lotions and potions and makeup. It’s ok, it’s all worth it. Remember Chapter 1 of What to Expect When You’re Expecting?!
THIS IS NOT GOING AWAY! As much as you’d like it to. You’ll observe other parents who choose to eschew this phase all together. Live in denial even. They simply refuse to acknowledge it and put down an iron fist, exclaiming, “my daughter will not date until she graduates from high school.” For them, ignorance may be bliss. Theirs will be the teen who asks your teen to lie and say they’re sleeping over at your house while they’re out with Biff Barrington or Chelsea Fakely.
Dating parameters will be for you to decide. Ignore it, deny it’s existence or accept it and use it as a teaching moment to guide them in the social graces and pitfalls of relationships. I chose the latter. Wish me luck!
MILESTONE: Sweet 16!
Sweet sixteen seems to be the official ‘coming out’ for teenagers (girls especially). It is their understanding that you are responsible to throw them a big expensive party, buy them a new car and take out a loan to cover the additional auto insurance that will inevitably spike after their first wreck. If you do not or cannot provide the above prepare yourself for a guilt trip that doesn’t even come close to the ones your mother used to lay on you. Wah! Wah! Wahhhh! You suck so hard. Why are you so mean to them?!
MILESTONE: The Drivers License — Not for Everyone
These days I know twenty year olds who have chosen not to get their license just yet. Twenty! By the time I was twenty, I’d moved across the country and was married already. WTF (Good Lord, that sounded like my parents…and walked to school both ways in a blizzard etc.)
When they do opt in for the DL it is optional whether or not YOU teach them how to drive. I employed the help of my creative partner (an Auntie to my girls). This was a smart move. No fuss. No muss. No knock down drag outs in MY car. The anticipation for the day they get their license swells to an all-time high after acting as their unpaid Uber driver for the last 16 years. You’ll finally be able to hang up your taxi hat for awhile. Careful what you wish for. Your baby driving a 6,000 pound vehicle in crazy freeway traffic is more than unnerving. When you see them drive away for the first time, it’s downright petrifying. So many things could happen and this is where blind faith comes in handy. Use it. You’ll need it.
MILESTONE: 16-1/2 Look Whose Talking
This milestone can take either fork in the road. You may have a talkative child who turns into a painfully quiet teenager who tells you nothing. Or, like me, you gave birth to “talking from the minute she came out of me” to “still talking and talking and talking.” I’ve exchanged stories with other moms who feel frustrated and bummed as to why their kid doesn’t tell them anything, when my kid tells me everything. Literally, everything! And sometimes things I did not need to know.
Admittedly, I would not change a thing. I feel fortunate that we have a close relationship and that she even feels comfortable and trusts me enough to share, even when it’s uncomfortable (for me). Every teenager is different. Just keep the lines of communication open. They’ll talk to you when they’re ready. And prepare yourself for the following topics: sex, herpes, nudes, sexting, cutting, drinking, smoking, drugs, partying, lying, bullying, getting together, breaking up, hooking up and this is only the beginning…
MILESTONE: 17 Going on 34
…to be continued
Stay sane, my friends.